I am a shitty person. Yes I am. Definitely.
I want life to flow easily on its own, but why? Why does life made me live in the hard way? Why not on the easy and comfortable way? Why does it make me do the things that I don't want to do? Why do I have to live like this?
I am miserable; The way I am living life is indeed a huge failure. Studies suck, right? These days, the only emotion that was left is sadness. I may seem to have projected a smiling and happy face all the time, but I'm hurting inside. I don't want anyone to see me in this state. Maybe, I am already enough to see my sufferings. I don't want anyone to make me feel that I am weak. Other people have problems in their life, so I thought that they don't need to know about mine. They feel the same way as I am or much worse than what I felt and I don't want to bother them with these shitty stuffs of mine.
I used to enjoy life back then. Yes, even my studies. Now, I forgot how to do it anymore that I even forget how to breathe at all. It's suffocating, it's killing me inside. The pressure and stress, they are too much for me to handle. I don't want this feeling, it's painful. This is the worst thing I've ever imagined in my life. I am so lonely, wanting somebody to be with me, someone to talk to. A silent yet comforting environment is way too enough for me. I need someone to revive me. To show me again and make me realized that this world is something admirable. I need someone to wake me up from this distressing dream. The dream that keeps me away from this beautiful reality.
Then, that someone came. I didn't expect to be drunk at that night, but I did and I even puked. This was my very first time to be in that state. The funny thing is that there is something I discovered about myself, that my drinking state depends on my mood. It was so embarrassing that I don't want to see any of the person from that night. However, I am so thankful for them. That one person showed me the things that I needed. Comfort, love and understanding, I felt it all. I am so lucky that I have a friend like that. That person said that it is okay to cry and it is okay to show what I really felt. With those words, I began to cry. I don't even know why. I just felt the sincerity of that person towards me. Ignoring my humiliation at the time and just crying wholeheartedly. It made me forget all the things that made me hate my life. The feelings that I have kept for a long time began to leave my heart. The things that made me not me in the past few days left my mind. I began to be myself again, to have faith and trust in me. I began to lift my head up again and enjoy my journey again.
Feelings are there whether it is good or not. However, I realized that those feelings should not affect the way I viewed life. I am so precious to have the opportunity to live in this world. Once, I viewed the world as an adventure. Yes, I may have failed a lot of time already, but I am still here standing waiting for my reward at the end of this tiring adventure. I hope everyone of us can find their path again because it is not the reward that matters, it is the moments of your journey.
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